empty

My dad passed away tuesday morning.  almost everything major that happens in my life happens on a tuesday.  Ok, that's probably a real exaggeration.  But at least a few major things have happened on various tuesdays.

So- as seen above- I am tired and empty...

I've had to fight with family members that I shouldn't have.

I've been pressed to justify things that need no justification from me.

I've lost the support of a few people that I never expected.

Seen the true colors of a few people that turned out to be not so pretty.  Pretty fucking nasty, in fact.  God, it makes me sick.

Made the toughest decision of my life, or rather followed through with another's decision...but it was fucking intense.  And righteous.  And the right thing to do.  And so sad.

On more than one occasion I know I was at 85% or more of my max heart rate from just sheer anxiety and a mass of other emotions I cannot describe.  I just don't have the words.

Realized that I am at peace with the decision I made.  That I didn't question.  It wasn't my decision- I was just the vessel.

I am thankful that I had the grit to do what needed to be done.

I am thankful for the members of my family who offered me support and love.

I am thankful for kind words.

I am thankful for rest.

I am thankful for a husband that is strong enough I can show my weakness.

I am thankful for the wondrous sound that is my children's laughter.

I am thankful for the time I had with my dad.

I am thankful that I knew him well.

I am thankful that I know my decisions in all this would have made him proud.

I am thankful for the last week I had with my dad.

I am grateful that I had the honor of making his last few days a little better.