I was feeling pretty glum and not myself this morning.  My drive to class was riddled with angst, nervousness, "Ahhhh!" and tinged with anxiety, fear and apprehension.

There was also some excitement, hope and possibility.

It was kind of confusing.

Today was my first day of solo "lecture" at the university where I am adjuncting.  I was nervous about being in front of a 6 groups of approximately 45 students and the criticisms of their judgmental eyes.  I was fearful of all kinds of unspecific things, the most specific of which was, basically, just that I'd fuck it all up.

Also my dad had an appointment today to get the bottom line on this cancer business.  That put the situation in perspective a bit, for me, and I began to relax.  Odd, right?  But, if the judgy eyes of mostly freshman and having to wing a few minutes of lecture were my biggest worries, my problems are a bit minuscule, aren't they now?   That helped with the classroom angst, but not the other shit mess of emotions and anxiety about me paps.

So, on the verge of tears because the clarity of today could turn all the what ifs into whens I took a deep breath and sucked it up.  Compartmentalize, I told myself.  Deal with what I can control now and then the emotional bit later when it doesn't matter whether or not my eye make up is all fucked up and I have a clown nose from crying.  After all, I wont hear anything until later in the day anyhow...

Obviously, I had gotten myself all worked up, in a tizzy if you will, and tonights post was going to be called Black Sun of Hades with Dissipating Clouds of Hope I told myself.  Ha.  That sounded good.

Fast forward about 45 minutes...

I get to the classroom and eventually, with the help of the lead professor, get all the technical shit tech-nilized (you know, hooked up).  So, there I went... right on into it.  As it turns out, the criticisms were a lot quieter than I had imagined and the judgmental eyes reflected a whole spectrum of emotions and thoughts, but judgement turned out to not be the even close to the most prominent of them.  (I think the heads with those eyes were in the back of the room where I couldn't actually see into them anyway so those don't count.)

But, it was ok, you know?  It went alright.  I got some sighs and had some points where I fell flat and got a lot of crickets.  But I also got a few laughs and some really great responses and some genuine interactions.  All in all, I feel really good about it.  That is especially encouraging since being a professor is what I want to do!  (grown up or not)  Almost so much so that it's what I want to be and that's a lot.  (So, see, this was like a try out for my dream.  A test for myself.  No pressure.)

So, then I talked to me pops.  Me pops said that the Doc reported things were good.  Things were hopeful.  Things were good.  Things were hopeful.  There is a medication specifically targeted for this specific type of cancer in this specific stage that has shown to be successful and "take care of" things.  The doctor said "not to worry."  Things will be ok.

That's all the detail I feel comfortable going into here, after all, it's his story not mine.  However, know that my chest is not so heavy as it was.  Hope springs eternal and have chased away that black sun of hades.

Suffice it to say that there are sunshine and daises back in my world and flowers blooming out of my ass.

Our youngest daughter Dagny is a very... interesting person.

She is also the funniest person she knows and has been since day one.   </div>

I quite enjoy her.

The other day I had my keys and sunglasses on the coffee table.  (Fair game, I guess?)  She puts the glasses on in her trademark style: upside down.  That's how she rolls.  My children are very stylish, something I'm sure they must have gotten from...  well, it could have been from either of us as we are both really just fashion icons.  I'll save that for another day...  I'll put up a fashion show post.  You'll love it.  Vogue ain't got shit on the Fortino's!  Lookout!

Oh... got a bit off track there...  that's what happens in my head all the time...

Back to Dagny....  If you could read her mind, I think it would go something like this...

I know I am out of focus in that picture mom is talking, but I am just so damn happy to have these things I shouldn't that I don't even care about being blurry!  Also, I am super cute and SO funny! I am also awesome and just a genuine badass.  Note it!

Wow!  I got really distracted by my awesomeness for a second.  It happens...  Oh wait, look at this...keys!  I could run off and lose them... that is always super fun!  .... but if I examine them, while looking very thoughtful, perhaps I can find something else to do with them...  

What is their purpose?

OH!!  I've got it figured out!!  

Oh glasses!  You are in the way.  But I will not be deterred.  Nor will I remove my glasses. 

Hell yeah!  Imma get this thing up in my eye!  It's on!!!  

Seriously, I really think this is a good idea!  I'm not giving up!  I have found the purpose of keys and I will not rest until it is fulfilled!!!

*Alternate Dagny thought* 

 Fuck all the hype, I'm done with the fun and games.  I only need one eye.  Lets do this!

(Get it?  It's all fun and games 'til someone loses an eye..? Get it?!)

No Dagny's were harmed in the taking of these pictures.  Really, she is quite sturdy. 

Also, I would not let her actually put a key in her eye.

So, in the past less-than-two-months, my life has undergone a few changes.  Some of them wonderful, amazing, eternalizing (that's is so a word!), another gut wrenching, heart-breaking, soul crushing, and still others (other) exciting, challenging and full of pride.

The wonderful, amazing, eternalizing part was when I married my husband.  (Well, it's been almost 2 months, so technically I did!)  He is amazing.  He is fun.  He is perfect- for me.  We are a mess.  We are absolutely fabulous together.  Our wedding was the funnest (another real word) wedding I've ever been too.  That may not be saying a lot since I haven't been to a shit ton of weddings and I don't generally like them and this was my own, but... it was FUN!  It was a tit bit stressful... just a tit bit.

My father has recently been diagnosed with clear cell renal cell carcinoma- advanced kidney cancer.  My dad is not only awesome, an awesome dad AND one of my most favorite relatives, but one of my most favourite (think favor-right) people.  Ever.  Gut wrenching.  Heart-breaking.  Soul crushing.  But hope remains.

My big baby, our five year old, started kindergarten.  She is so big.  She is OLD!!!  FIVE whole years old!!!!!!!  Well, that is how she looks at it.  Except when she is super pissed that she isn't six yet... or a grown up.  She really wants to be a grown up.  I am challenged by that.  I want her to enjoy being young.  Enjoy the joys of five.  She makes my heart swell with pride.  and joy.  She is good shit.

So, that's what's up.  Ha.  I went there.


But, the thing is, life is about changing.  nothing ever stays the same, or so says Patty Loveless

I would say that this "is just a stressful time," but I think that this is just life.  It's for the living and living is about experience.  Nobody said that "experience" was exclusive to travels and hindsight.  Experience is about... expereince-ing.  Love.  Pain.  Hurt.  Loss.  Fear.  Triumph.  Tragedy.   Pride.  Joy.  Thankfulness. Hope.

My new manta (and even having a "mantra" is new... as in this very moment new) is:<br />

Hope springs eternal.  

Because it does.