I was feeling pretty glum and not myself this morning. My drive to class was riddled with angst, nervousness, "Ahhhh!" and tinged with anxiety, fear and apprehension.
There was also some excitement, hope and possibility.
It was kind of confusing.
Today was my first day of solo "lecture" at the university where I am adjuncting. I was nervous about being in front of a 6 groups of approximately 45 students and the criticisms of their judgmental eyes. I was fearful of all kinds of unspecific things, the most specific of which was, basically, just that I'd fuck it all up.
Also my dad had an appointment today to get the bottom line on this cancer business. That put the situation in perspective a bit, for me, and I began to relax. Odd, right? But, if the judgy eyes of mostly freshman and having to wing a few minutes of lecture were my biggest worries, my problems are a bit minuscule, aren't they now? That helped with the classroom angst, but not the other shit mess of emotions and anxiety about me paps.
So, on the verge of tears because the clarity of today could turn all the what ifs into whens I took a deep breath and sucked it up. Compartmentalize, I told myself. Deal with what I can control now and then the emotional bit later when it doesn't matter whether or not my eye make up is all fucked up and I have a clown nose from crying. After all, I wont hear anything until later in the day anyhow...
Obviously, I had gotten myself all worked up, in a tizzy if you will, and tonights post was going to be called Black Sun of Hades with Dissipating Clouds of Hope I told myself. Ha. That sounded good.
Fast forward about 45 minutes...
I get to the classroom and eventually, with the help of the lead professor, get all the technical shit tech-nilized (you know, hooked up). So, there I went... right on into it. As it turns out, the criticisms were a lot quieter than I had imagined and the judgmental eyes reflected a whole spectrum of emotions and thoughts, but judgement turned out to not be the even close to the most prominent of them. (I think the heads with those eyes were in the back of the room where I couldn't actually see into them anyway so those don't count.)
But, it was ok, you know? It went alright. I got some sighs and had some points where I fell flat and got a lot of crickets. But I also got a few laughs and some really great responses and some genuine interactions. All in all, I feel really good about it. That is especially encouraging since being a professor is what I want to do! (grown up or not) Almost so much so that it's what I want to be and that's a lot. (So, see, this was like a try out for my dream. A test for myself. No pressure.)
So, then I talked to me pops. Me pops said that the Doc reported things were good. Things were hopeful. Things were good. Things were hopeful. There is a medication specifically targeted for this specific type of cancer in this specific stage that has shown to be successful and "take care of" things. The doctor said "not to worry." Things will be ok.
That's all the detail I feel comfortable going into here, after all, it's his story not mine. However, know that my chest is not so heavy as it was. Hope springs eternal and have chased away that black sun of hades.
Suffice it to say that there are sunshine and daises back in my world and flowers blooming out of my ass.
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