It's like a maxi pad, but for a chicken's ass

it's like a maxi pad, but for a chicken's ass Let me just start out by saying I might be cheap but I'm not free.  Also, as clearly indicated in previous post (and will be demonstrated in later ones as well) I am not in the least tacky.  Mostly, I'm classy, bitches.  Recognize.

Now that we have established our groundwork for the day I can move on...

I consider myself a thrifty woman.  I like to use the great powers of my mind to look for a bargain and comparison shop!  I'm one of those people who pulls out the calculator on her phone to calculate the cheapest price by ounce of a product before choosing which to buy.

I know what you are thinking.  You want to be just like me because I am so cool.  And you can!  For 3 easy payments of $29.95 I'll show you how!

As I am so thrifty, I have taken to buying whole chickens rather than pieces, naturally.  It's cheaper (I only purchase  them when I can buy one for under $5) and I have a few ways to cook whole chickens either in the over or crock-pot.  I freeze the left overs in serving sizes and add them to recipes as needed. It's a win/win, right?  Well, yes, but I but I don't always care for the texture when it is cooked in the crock-pot.  It's a little soft- stringy, or "shredded" tasting.  That perfect for soup and great in fajitas, and chicken pot pie, but that's about it.  (That seems like a good list, but it's still warm out here so that's not as great a list of foods as it will be in about 2 months.)

The other day I was folding up some laundry and watching the cooking channel when I, of course, became very inspired.  Let me just say that the dinner dishes from cooking channel days are a bitch.  I start thinking I went to culinary school or something and have about a 50% success rate in turing out eatable meals.  The dude on the cooking show, whatever the hell it happened to be, was slicing and dicing up a whole chicken talking about how it's less wasteful and basically Candace-tastic.  So I say to myself Hey!  Duh!  Slice that bitch up next time you buy a chicken!  So, I bought a couple chickens and that's what I did.

However, if it was a simple as that, there would be no point in interwebbing it.

Here is how it actually went.  I get this chicken (well, chicken carcass) and get it out of the plastic packaging it is in.  I've done that lots before so I have my trash sack close by to catch the trash and i'm next to the sink to catch the splatter and drips.  This time, tho there was this maxi pad thing by the chickens ass.  I guess it was jus a regular meat drip absorbency pad thing, but the position it was in was a little uninspired.

By the way, did I mention that this post is alternately titled:
My Case for Vegetarianism

Once I have this chicken in front of my and my very best dull knife in hand, I say what would be the easiest way to get this meet away from the rest of this thing?  And the answer comes to me like a voice from a television show, because it was, saying it is so easy to cut these chickens up!  Just remember to cut along the joints and it's easy peazy.  That is totally a quote because it is definitely true that more people than me talk like that.  

In my head this translates to: cut this thing in half first!

Well, that did not work.

So then I started hacking away and finally managed to get a leg off.  I spent another couple of minutes taking the thigh away from the leg.  Those two were really attached!

That's how it went with the first one.  Little son of a bitch!

So, I get it all done and take on the second bastard.  This time, I see my scissors and there is this light on them like a glow from heaven and angles started singing when I picked them up.  It was divine!  (OMG- do you notice how funny I am today?!!  Wholly Hell!  This is good shit!)  I use my handy dandy scissors to undress this chicken from its skin.  The act of was actually a lot less creepy than I made it sound right there.

I found out two things, at least, today about chickens.

1.  (this is about my knife but it's my blog so I can do whatever I want)  My knife is handy and since its so dull the back is almost as sharp as the front.  I want a double sided knife.  A kitchen sword!  ...i'm on to something here...

2.  Chickens are easier to cut up once they are undressed from their skin.

3.  If you chop up a chicken and then ask your husband to grill it, he will.

4.  Those chicken chopping people on TV have some mad skills and/or a very sharp knife and editing equipment.  All things I lack.

5.  I managed to get a full casserole dish of chicken (once it was all dismembered and grilled) for around $9.

6.  I am surprisingly good about at chicken humor.

7.  If meat wasn't so delicious I would not eat it because it is actually kind of gross.  Or at least chickens are.

That is all, for now, good folks.


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