Alternately titled:
Reasons I am Totally and Completely Normal
I know my awesomeness is, well, intense. It is probably intimidating. I'm scary awesome! So, with that in mind, Imma going to let you in on a secret- I'm normal! Just like you! I'm awesome- relatable awesome. Ah, damn. Back to that intimidation. Do not fear the Candace!
Let the reasoning commence!
1 (one). If my husband, that beautiful man, does not get out of the shower soon i'm going to have to go pee in the yard. again.
He totally locks the door every time he goes in the bathroom. That would be fine if we had 82 bathrooms, but we only have the one. How am I supposed to bust in and take a leak or have a chit chat (with him) if the door is locked? See, we rent so I can't exactly bust up in that bitch like I own the place. Because I don't. Also, this whole "locking the door" hoopla is a foreign concept to me as I do not even close the door. Unless I'm doing the doo-do. And then I semi-close it. Talk about a spoiler alert!
Two (dos). I read some freaky article on MSN... maybe... about all the nasty shit that is in your, my, food that you, we, don't know about. One of them said that a preservative in breads was made from human hair in china. What the Fuck?! (wtf?!) Eww! I mean, come one! So, now, I have decided to make all our bread. Duh. What other rational option would here be? Give up carbs? Research the claims in that article? NEVER!!
Three. I use accurate punctuation. Always. My sentences are also grammatically correct. Always.
4. (Four) I am Italian. Now. It's one of those awesome things about marriage. I wasn't italian and I married one so now I am. That is all it takes. And an insistence upon it. To my naysayers i say, "Suck it, fuckers, I'm Italian!! ahahaha" Also, I have made lemoncello and drank tons and tons of it in the past years. Also, I grow basil; I don't really like it too much, but I grow it and I use it. Also, I married an Italian(-American). Also, I want to go to Italy. Also, can eat pizza like a champ. I'm super sensual and sexy (there are no pictures in this post so you don't know). I read Eat, Pray, Love By Gilbert, Elizabeth (Google Affiliate Ad) and A Venetian Affair by Andrea Di Robilant. I liked it and ate a bowl of spaghetti. Come on! I'm so Italian!
5. My pinkies don't match. Don't judge, everybody has a rouge finger.
Well, three is reason enough (you pick). It is clear. I am awesome. I am imtinmidating. Sorry about that. And I am italian.
Sincerely,
Candaceimo
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